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You are like coffee

THE HIGH

I told you I liked you, and you told me you liked "us", too. *Facepalm*
I said "No, it's not that like. It's the other like. The deeper kind of like." Comprehension dawned on you face.
You smiled a little, and apologized because you didn't know how to react. I said it was fine, goodbye. You told me to enjoy the break.
I had to go back to you to get something else. We talk like nothing happened, although I saw (or hallucinated) that your hands were trembling a little bit. I said goodbye and you asked if I would be okay because it was raining. I said I'd be fine, and you told me to enjoy the break (again).
I was in a daze, half laughing and half crying, spilling my guts to my friend through the mobile, and then you come and stand beside me, smiling. Why did you tease me so? I panicked (as if I wasn't panicking enough); my poor heart.
My friend wanted to talk to you, and you told her to talk some sense into me. She told you to do it.
You told me I shouldn't like you because you are my professor, and that you are old and worn out, but my brain could only half-understand the point you are trying to make by saying these. I was far too intoxicated with my own hormones. Dizzying, euphoria and faint-inducing hormones.
I talk to my friend again, and we say goodbye, and I don't know how I got home in that trance.


THE CRASH

I apologized for troubling you with what I said.
We talk for a little while, and it was mainly you trying to discourage me from liking you. *It's not working AT ALL though, I tell you. If anything, it even increased my feelings.*
You let it slip that you STILL HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.



~I thought, I really thought, and I was convinced, that I was realistic and that I wasn't expecting anything to come out of it. But I am hurting so bad, because of that one little information that slipped.
~And now, I want to cry so badly to relieve myself, but the tears won't come out, and I DON'T KNOW WHY.
~The pain feels hot, so hot, growing hotter by the second. It also feels very, very heavy, and it also is getting heavier by the second.

Suddenly, an anguished cry came from my soul:

"Lord, I want him so bad. Please just give me one chance at it."

Purposeless

I hate it and I feel sort of depressed that everytime I talk to you or read anything you write about I feel stupid. I hate feeling that I am not good enough for you because you are way smarter than me. I should be good enough for you, but I am not.

Hoping you'd still accept me, though.

My heart...is noisy.

Today I hugged you.

I thought it would be hard to convince you to let me hug you (and for you to hug me back), but you were surprisingly cool about it. Thank you.

But you shouldn't have let me leave your arms too soon. I wouldn't have protested if you held me firmly for a few more seconds. Our encounter was just too quick.

Too quick that I didn't even get to memorize the way you feel. Didn't even get to know how you smell. I didn't even feel your heartbeat against my chest. No imprints were left on my senses, and even my body doesn't remember holding you.

I am aching for you more than ever now. But I guess I am to blame for that. I said I'd be realistic, and know that we can't be, but I want you more than ever now. More than ever.

Okay why am I crying just thinking of this?

My heart...is noisy.

Call me sensitive, but...

If you are going to talk to me in this way, I cannot tolerate it.

Please know that if you treat me harshly, I get angry, but at the same time I am helpless because yeah I love you that much.

Tornado vs. Volcano

I want to cry. And it's all because of you.

Saw your picture

You looked so lonely, waiting alone in that dreary bus station at two in the morning, though I sort of knew you were excited to reach your destination. I remember hoping that in the near future, another photo like that would be displayed on your page, but you wouldn't be alone anymore...I will be there waiting with you; and then you'd introduce me to your dad as your wife. Such a bittersweet image it painted in my brain.

I've always had a thing for weird geniuses. L from Death Note, and then there is you. I guess that makes me weird, too.

Angsty emodrama

 well not really, hahaha.

I just browsed Facebook using my friend's account, because she and Jazz are Facebook friends (soyeahIbasicallyjuststalkedJazzthroughheraccount). Of course, I read his wall posts and comments.

GRABE. Ang cute mo talaga, sir Brian! <3 hihihihi *insert maniacal, hysterical laugh here*

The more I peek into the workings of your mind, the more I fall in love with you :">

<3

Oocha kudasai!

It's 2:33AM, and still the list of things to do and finish is piling up. I want to take a break from my life, and possibly hibernate for the next three weeks.

1. THESIS. I sort of enjoy doing it because I like taxing work, but logistics (looking for props, costumes and looking for people like makeup artists and extras) is killing me and eating up most of my time. I can't even sleep properly now. The only upside to this is that I am working with Japanese people (who are wonderful, beautiful people by the way) and that I know I'd actually enjoy the filming process.

2. PHILOSOPHY. I am going downhill in this class. I just don't know what kind of thinking I should do to satisfy my teacher. I feel like all my free time is being eaten up by this course's readings, but I still fall short. And while anna048 is having the time of her life every Philo class, I am counting down the minutes, thinking that the clock's hand couldn't go any slower, and thinking that I am wasting my time in this guy's class when I can cram things to do for my thesis during that one and a half hour time slot.

3. JAPANESE. Dear Thesis, I am cutting too many of my beloved Japanese classes. I promise I'll never cut again from now on.

4. HISTORY. This one's complicated, but I'll try to separate Jazz from History. I am also falling behind in this class. Midterms is Thursday (or is it Tuesday?) next week, and I am nowhere near halfway the readings. I also am nowhere near finding a topic for my final paper, which is due second week of September (I think). The thing is, I want to do really well in this course and impress Jazz, because... well honestly being really good and smart and impressing him is the only way I can get his attention. I don't have the nerve to try any other method coz any other method I'd try would probably splendidly fail and only embarrass me in front of him, and God knows that's the last thing I want to happen right now. Besides, he'd easily see right through any other attempts to grab his attention, and as much as possible I don't want him to see through me (And so I failed at separating History and Jazz, once again).

So, plainly seen here, I am being so negligent and irresponsible...and I hate it so much.

Give me a break.

Can I just say...?

Here I am, immersion for school is in a few hours, and yet I haven't packed anything. My Japanese Cinema paper-- which will be passed later as well and which is supposed to be six pages long--is still hanging at one paragraph. I am the worst.

And why is that? Why? Why am I wasting time when I clearly can't afford to?

It's because I miss him, and ten days of not seeing him is just too much for me.

Nope, not really. Yeah, I do miss him, but I am just making up an excuse for my pathetic, you-need-help type of procrastination habits.

See you Sunday night, world wide web. :|

A random surge of thoughts

~ I've been sleeping like the dead ever since Wednesday (Aug11). Usually a little noise would easily wake me up, but now, NOTHING wakes me up. Not my mobile phone alarm, not my sister as she scurries around preparing for school, and not my sister trying to kick me awake. And the worst part of it is, I NOW TALK IN MY SLEEP. I am worried about what I might blab about that I wouldn't dare say awake. :| I guess my body is taking its revenge on me because I deprived it of too much sleep. I hope my sleeping pattern goes back to somewhat normal.

~This week I had been managing my time badly. I felt like I had no time, always chasing deadlines, trying to finish awful thick readings, do chores, look after my siblings and manage the house. This week was soo exhausting I feel like my life is crazy messed up, but there are times I find myself just sitting around, and when I realize it, I sort of have a WTF-I-am-sitting-here-doing-nothing moment. I think I am getting sick, Physically, mentally and emotionally.

~I just want this semester (especially Thesis) to be over with.

~Oh, and by the way, Brian, I miss you every day.

Liberation

This post was supposed to be titled "LIBERATION!!", but since my efforts in fighting for liberation weren't good enough, I'll content myself with this supposed-to-be-epic-now-anticlimactic title.

(I am talking about my Philo orals but well that has nothing to do with what I'm gonna say so yeah.)

~anna048 and I planned a stakeout. But we think The Jazz (the history teacher I blogged about last time) suspects that we have been stalking him...and he is launching his silent psychological counterattack. We have been followed around by his current minion, and by himself, even to the point that he'd go out of his usual "routes" to evade us/catch us in the act. YOU WISH, JAZZ. anna048 's stalking and evading skillz are better than yours. And even if you did catch us, we'd NEVER admit what we were really doing.

(Of course, this is all in our heads. How could he possibly know? Unless...)

We failed in accomplishing Operation Stakeout phase B (just kidding, we didn't have any such name for the stakeout), Anyway, on to more sane things not really:

~I had been reading The Jazz's past blogs. Aside from him being a megalomaniac (which I realized ever since I took notice of him-- the "Yun oh!" moment), I discovered that our personalities are polar opposites. To sum it up:

the chasm of difference between us
The JazzMe
very grounded, down to earth, involved, informed, realisticescapist, spends more time in fantasyworld than in the real world, apathetic, head-in-the-clouds
has strong beliefs/opinions that he holds on tohas no really strong opinions, easily swayed by others' views on things
defined, definite (can I be any more redundant?) personalityno definite personality, or more appropriately, "seasonal" personality (elements of myself and some of my decisions follow whatever my trend is at the time)
epicepic fail (just kidding ;p of course NOT)

So yeah. According to a Social Psychology book that I've read, similarity is one of the important factors of attraction and liking (other factors being proximity, etc. etc.) We have next to nothing in common, but hey, we both like COFFEE. End of pointless point-out-your-differences rant.

~Probably the only classes I am absolutely enjoying right now and am studying with a passion are my Japanese subjects (aside from history, for which of course my interest has a different motivation). Since I love my Japanese 1 teacher, and since I've been watching waaaay too many K-pop music videos, I have come up with the brilliant idea of giving my teacher homemade chocolate cupcakes for Christmas (yes I've got too much free time). Idea inspired by this video:
It's somewhere between the 2:00-2:16 mark. And more important to mention is that I would also give some to The Jazz (which he would probably find weird). The thing is, I've never given any of my college teachers a gift, maybe because I haven't had any strong feelings of liking for them. But my Japanese 1 teacher is just too kind and adorable to not give a gift to, and The Jazz...well, he is The Jazz. So now I am thinking of a way to give these cupcakes to both of them without it feeling awkward and without them thinking I am either a suck-up or a psychostalker (I am not worried, though, since Christmas is still a long way off). When worse comes to worst, maybe I'll just give both of them Pocky, which my Japanese teacher would probably understand, but the Jazz wouldn't. Hahaha. That's none of my concern, though. :)

~<3